The Golden Rules of Relationships

Years ago, early in my career in New York City, I attended a Dale Carnegie training program and found it very helpful. The two fellows who taught our program were amazing. I was totally taken by their quiet confidence, poise, ability to communicate and tell stories to illustrate their points.

Here I am many years later, now a leadership consultant and coach. I am an ardent believer in reading leadership books like Carnegie’s enduring classic, How to Win Friends and Influence People, which was written in 1936 and still holds true. It is a valuable classic.

In fact, I encourage executives and up and comers to read one leadership book a month for inspiration and ideas. The good news today is that these books tend to be easy reads, maybe 150 to 200 pages, and they often use stories to validate their messages. I find I always get at least a few great ideas and a whole lot of inspiration that I eagerly share with those with whom I work.

Like most people, I love the theory that simple is sensible. That’s exactly what How to Win Friends is, the basics of leadership, and it makes so much sense. Actually, I fervently believe it makes even more sense today than when it was written 80 some years ago.

I’ll mention below some of the “golden rules” that are Carnegie’s principles. These were keys to success then, always have been, and just think how vital they are now in our crazy-busy world when so many, unfortunately most, senior managers are nearly constantly in meetings, on their computers, conference calls, in conversation in the C-suites, and traveling.

What would I like to see? I’d like them to be out of their offices, having conversations with their external clients, of course, and equally as important, walking the halls and conversing with the people in their company, all the people, not just with other senior executives.

Our people are our internal clients.

To be successful consistently, year after year, leaders must make conversations with their people a top priority – quality two-way conversations that show a genuine appreciation for and interest in their ideas and success.

Think about these golden rules offered by Dale Carnegie, and these are just some examples in random order, as each is important:

• Don’t criticize or complain
• Give honest, sincere appreciation
• Be genuinely interested in other people
• Remember and call people by their name
• Ask good questions and be an attentive listener
• Encourage others to share about themselves and their thoughts and feelings
• Help others feel important, and do it sincerely
• Show respect for another person’s opinions
• Begin in a friendly way
• Be encouraging
• Let others do a great deal of the talking
• Let people think the ideas are theirs
• Commit to understand what others think and their reasoning

To me, these are the ABCs of leadership, the fundamentals. If we abide by these rules, with sincerity, because we genuinely care about our people and are not self-absorbed, those on our team will very likely look up to us and be motivated to do their very best work, going the extra mile when needed.

We must bear in mind the importance of asking open-ended questions, asking our people for their ideas, opinions, input, and feedback. We’ll learn a wealth of valuable information and our people will feel appreciated.

There is also the very effective approach of leadership by questioning. For example, when someone asks what action should be taken, ask that person what she feels are the options and what she recommends and why. Leadership by questioning helps our people learn and grow, which is our responsibility as a manager and a leader.

While business is complicated, and managing our time and attention is challenging, I believe that leadership is basic, it’s common sense: it’s about our earning the respect, trust and appreciation of our people.

Just recently, while reading a paper, I highlighted, “A manager likes to talk, a leader likes to listen” and “A manager thinks first about numbers, while a leader thinks first about people.” I hope these golden rules ring true to you, as they do for me, even more so some many years after Carnegie’s debut in my life.