Life is Better Together

I think we all know the power of a special friend or loved one who walks faithfully by our side, through the peaks and valleys of our lives. I think most of us would also be familiar, at times, with the angst and loneliness of walking through long or hard days without that kind of support.

Science is proving just how powerful companionship and community are, not just to our emotional health, but also our physical health. Having trusted friends and other relational supports can literally add years onto your life expectancy. Sadly, in a recent study conducted by Cigna Health, researcher Douglas Nemecek, MD found that loneliness is a growing epidemic, with nearly half of our population reporting that they sometimes or always feel alone. It has also been determined that the experience of loneliness has the same effect on mortality as smoking 15 cigarettes a day, making it even more dangerous than obesity.

National Geographic fellow and best-selling author Dan Buettner proposes that one of the most powerful secrets of Okinawa, Japan, where the population is full of centenarians and women live longer than anywhere else in the world, is the concept of each person being assigned, when young, into a social network (known as a moai) that will provide ongoing social, financial, and spiritual support through the entirety of his or her life. The longevity of this population speaks to the tremendous emotional and physical relief that such social support provides.

The culture of modern-day America might perhaps be a far cry from that in Okinawa, Japan, and it isn’t very likely that any of us are being assigned into lifelong social networks. And yet, we are not powerless to begin to create some of this same support .

If you don’t have the degree of community that you desire, the kind of friends and peers that are there with words of encouragement or a hug, or a cup of tea and a listening ear, or to laugh over the mishaps of the week and to cheer on each other’s wins, try looking around and see who you can begin to provide that kind of support for. It doesn’t have to be much…maybe learn what a co-worker’s favorite coffee drink is, and bring one in for her at the end of a long week. Maybe it means surprising a friend with some flowers and a card on a hard or special day, or maybe even for no reason at all. Or perhaps most importantly of all, it might just mean tuning in and hearing the emotional language and posture of the people around you each day.  Grieve with them or offer comfort and encouragement when they are struggling, and celebrate their victories with them as if they were your own. We all want this validation and relational companionship during these highs and lows that we all experience, and it is an incredibly powerful way to meaningfully touch and connect with our fellow human travelers.

Of course it can be difficult to initiate this kind of love and care for people around us when we ourselves feel alone and in need of that same kind of care. Yet I think that by giving first and by giving freely, we not only get to experience the joy of seeing a surprised or grateful smile, but we also start to attract more of that loving energy back into our lives. We start to attract people who likewise want to give and receive care, and we create new patterns and norms and cultures with the people already in our lives. We also start to build our own esteem by realizing we have relational gifts worthy to share with others, and worthy to receive in turn.

Little acts of kindness and thoughtfulness build, and it isn’t far-fetched to see how they can spin new webs of community. Just this morning I had a friend reach back out to me after I checked in on her following a medical appointment. She shared just how much it means to her to have someone who cares and who also takes a moment to celebrate the small day to day victories in her life. I smiled, thinking of all the ways we have both mutually grown to give and receive this kind of love between us on an almost daily basis, and of all the strength and peace that that has imparted. I replied, “I’m thankful too. Life is better together!”

About Kelly Arensen, Living Well Coaching

Kelly holds coaching certifications through the Institute for the Psychology of Eating and the Institute for Integrative Nutrition. Prior to becoming a health coach, Kelly worked in the field of international public health, providing nutritional intervention for young children and mothers in developing and war-torn countries, including Cambodia and North Sudan. She holds a Master of Public Health degree from Boston University. Learn more about about Kelly’s living well coaching services.