How to Increase Our Inner-Confidence

It is so helpful to have a sense of inner-confidence, which I often refer to as “quiet confidence,” carrying ourselves with quiet composure.

Can we help ourselves increase our inner-confidence?  The answer is a resounding: Yes. I’ve found evidence via in-depth conversations with leaders and friends I greatly respect and via several insightful books and publications on the topic.

While not as simple as just following these steps, I do believe doing so can certainly help us greatly. Here are suggestions:

1. Dress well, up not down, not fancy, not sloppy
2. Walk fast and purposefully, head high, stand tall   
3. Respect others, be genuinely interested in them and encouraging toward them
4. Do not complain or criticize, never speak negatively about another person to others, and think before we speak
5. Be kind, to everyone, whether the CEO or a janitor
6. Smile often and maintain comfortable eye contact
7. Be a giver, share credit, don’t seek credit or the spotlight
8. Be prepared for meetings and scheduled conversations
9. Ask purpose questions and listen to understand and learn
10. Hold open doors for others, let cars come in front of us, bring back shopping carts, pick up trash, and similar gestures – they are the right things to do 
11. Speak with strangers, be kind to check out clerks and others who help us
12. Do not make excuses, admit mistakes and learn from them
13. Do what we say we will

These are just some examples of the right things to do, all simple – and simple is good.

I’d like to highlight the importance of composure in inner-confidence. Of course, we want to maintain our composure.  And, if we lose our composure, let’s remember that regaining it without doing serious damage is the goal. For (a stereotypical) example, a woman may break down in an extremely stressful situation or a man may lose his composure and go into a rage. Given a choice between the two losses of composure, the woman can generally regain hers with a quiet period of 15 minutes or so and no damage is done, but the man’s rage can cause serious and lasting damage to relationships by what is said to others in anger. It displays more inner-confidence to appear vulnerable than it does to act in ways that damage our relationships.

Mary Mavis, founder of Mavis & Company, who was my coach, mentioned just this morning in her e-newsletter that confidence is a feeling within us. This is true, and it can be very helpful to us in our business, our leadership and in our personal lives. Let’s remember, though, that we can cultivate this feeling through deliberate action.