Creating Your New Normal

by Carylynn Larson

A client of mine is struggling because she can no longer manage stress like she used to. She longs to get back to her old self, the self that was calm and collected despite the chaos around her. Her struggle has led me to reflect on this theme of a “new normal.”

I too have experienced times of frustration and even depression over not being the person I once was. These moments are often brought on by major life stressors—a new job, a geographic move, a traumatic injury or event.

My observation is that in these moments, many of us view ourselves as having fallen backwards. Our goal is to climb out of the hole we’re in so that we can be the same as we were before the incident.

The trouble with this mindset is that it doesn’t leave any room for growth. Intuitively, we know that life struggles are there to make us stronger, but many of us reserve this belief for struggles that are only moderately challenging. When challenges are overwhelmingly challenging, we frame them as “too much,” and our goal is to recover rather than to grow.

May I offer an alternative? What would happen if we decided to grow from even the more overwhelming challenges, those that set us back in the short run? We could do this by creating a “new normal”—a new sense of who we are and what we bring to this world. Like Alice in the rabbit hole, we can accept our fall and work with the wonderland that it presents to us rather than struggle to climb out.

On a personal level, I’m struggling with the exhaustion and constant sickness accompanying pregnancy (many Moms can relate). For months, I’ve been longing for the day that my energy returns. While I honor my body by giving it the rest it needs and tell myself that this is a learning experience, on the surface I simply want return to my old, energetic self.

In this moment of self-reflection, I’m making a choice to strive for something more—a new normal, one that honors my current experience. In addition to longing for my energy to return, I want to emerge from this time with a new sense of self and purpose.

This example pales in comparison to other forms of setbacks. What about the executive failing in his or her position? What if you’re the leader experiencing anxiety attacks given the responsibilities laid on you? Do you need to strive toward a new normal in the midst of your own challenges?

John Keyser’s note: This is an insightful paper by Carylynn Larson, which I anticipated when I asked her to be a guest leader. Cary is absolutely right about the opportunity to look for growth, and not only when we face a setback or challenge, really at any time.

Who do we want to be?

And remember, leadership is about influence, and so as a leader, how do we want to use our influence— everyday—to help others, even just a colleague?

Thanks, Cary, you have offered us very helpful thinking!

About Carylynn Larson

Carylynn Larson, PhD is an Organizational Psychologist with the National Science Foundation, an adjunct professor at George Washington University, and is the founder and Executive Director of Rock Recovery, a wonderful nonprofit organization, which supports the journey to freedom from disordered eating. 

Cary is just completing the Georgetown Leadership Coaching Program, and is launching her leadership coaching practice.

With Cary’s heart and mind, she will be a remarkable leadership coach.