As a Leader, Conversations are our Responsibility

Whatever our field, we are in the people business, and high-quality relationships matter greatly, e.g., relationships with team members and all colleagues, those we serve and who may serve us.

The path to developing and maintaining high quality relationships are conversations, one-on-one conversations. It is how people know we care about them, and people want to know we care.

Conversations must be two-way, and we should try to listen a good bit more than we speak. We must be fully present, not looking at our smart phone or computer, not thinking about what we will say, not making judgments.

Put people at ease, perhaps a smile, if appropriate, comfortable eye contact, using the person’s name, giving affirmations, asking clarifying questions – listening to understand and learn.

Reflective listening is a rare and yet valuable skill for highly effective communication. I have tremendous respect for Fr. Max Behna, a young Catholic priest, as he naturally and genuinely says, “Let me reflect back what I hear you saying to make sure I understand.” This desire to truly understand what is being communicated is refreshing and extremely productive.

Fr. Max is also quick to take notes when possible, which is a sign of respect and conveys his desire to learn and follow through.

Asking questions, especially open-ended questions, helps us honor people and understand and learn their thoughts, ideas, feelings and how things are going for them.

As leaders, conversations can be a challenge for us as we are busy with so many demands on our time. Yet, conversations are the responsibility of a leader. We must make conversations a priority. We all must learn to manage our time and not let time manage us, keeping us from doing the things that matter.

We each have different situations, and we need to customize a system that works for each of us. We are probably working too many hours already, so it’s about increasing our efficiency and productivity. There are many helpful articles,
videos, coaches and other resources.

Know that a short conversation is better than no conversation. In just a few minutes we can let someone know we care and want to be kind to them, giving a gift with our smile, a caring question, and a few kind words.

In our conversations, we can make a difference in people’s work and their lives. Leadership is how we help people feel about themselves.

Every conversation can be important, even the brief ones, e.g., how we speak to someone in the hall and in passing on the sidewalk, just a smile and “have a good day” dignifies the other person.

Then there are the truly key conversations. In fact, it is a good idea to ask ourselves each week, what are the three most important conversations I could initiate this week, conversations that could have the potential of really helping someone and perhaps our company?

Key to our success will also be to ask ourselves weekly what conversation(s) am I avoiding?

Learning the art of having difficult conversations is important. Learning to come out from behind ourselves and to say what we know we should put out there for discussion. It is difficult for those of us who are conflict avoidant, yet it is our responsibility.

I am conflict avoidant and my coach in business helped me by encouraging me to write down the message I needed to deliver, to do this ahead of the conversation. Just a few sentences. Once I looked at it on paper, I realized that it is not as hard to say as it seemed when it was living in my head.

When beginning a difficult conversation, it is important to share our intent up front, e.g., “I am sharing this as I sincerely wish to be helpful to you.”

By the way, this is a further reason for my admiration of Fr. Max as he will address difficult situations – in a kind, honest, straightforward manner. He knows the value and the greater good that is only possible by having these conversations.

Leaders are signal senders. What signals should we be sending? Hopefully, that we care about our people and their well-being, and that we want to help them succeed.